What is Romance? It is not always about the romance novel sort of drivel that stereotypically qualifies as romance. Romance can be as simple as thinking about your wife on your way home from work, realizing that she has been at home all day swimming to meet the needs of a lot of people all at once, and walking in the door with the words, "Thank you. Thank you for all you do. I love you." (Of course, as you say these words, you aren't taking the baby with the smelly diaper out of her arms because you expect a hug and a kiss - You're taking the baby so you can go change him. Romance doesn't always mean the two of you getting out together; it doesn't always end in the bedroom. It just means that you are willing to demonstrate how often thoughts of the one you love cross your mind and that you have been listening and are aware of someone else's personal needs.
And that is what builds Romantic Trust. Trust is a (some may argue the) key to romance in your marriage. When your wife knows that she can trust you, the floodgates of love will open in your relationship. Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Well of course my wife knows she can trust me. We have been married for (x) number of years (and I have left that blank so that each reader may fill in a number, not because I can't remember how many years I have been married) and I have never once given my wife cause to not trust in my fidelity." Of course you haven't! Your marriage is the most important thing in the whole world to you. Your life revolves around it, it is the motivation for every good thing you do in your life, it is your inspiration for wanting to be better and more deserving . . . but what about that broken faucet, that unpaid parking ticket, that clutter on the patio, your mess of a tool box . . . etc., etc., etc.
You see? Of course your wife knows that you take your marriage vows seriously, and you do. But you have to realize that your wife can't trust you completely if you constantly fail to accomplish the day to day minutiae that make our lives go round. You really need to pay attention and take care not to underestimate the romance of a To Do list that has everything on it crossed off. Not the one you made, but the one she made for you!
It makes a huge difference to your wife to know that she can trust you to take care of "things." And there are some things that it is just inherently easier for you to accomplish. Perhaps you sit at a desk for most of the day. Well, think about it, it is probably easier for you to take ten minutes and make a few phone calls while you are filing some stuff or getting a file out, etc. than it is for your wife who is juggling several dirty diapers, school drop offs and pick ups, field day cookies, lunches, dinners (if you are such a cretin that you already haven't offered to pick up take-out on your way home!) etc. It may be easier for you to drop off some dry-cleaning because you drive right past the place on your way to work. The romantic pay off for the chap who gets up ten minutes early so that he can drop off dry-cleaning on his way to work knows no bounds! Things like that really help a bond of trust and community to grow and develop in your marriage!
And, of course, there would not be words to describe your wife's rapture if you were indeed to come up with the ten minute earlier awakening ALL ON YOUR OWN! Don't wait for her to have to ask you. Take a look around. See what needs to be done and do it. And announce that you are doing it. So many times I hear the stereotypical gender typing that "my wife nags me." Well, that's because you are an idiot and can't (a) recognize what needs to be done, or (b) get it done on your own.
Your wife doesn't get any inherent satisfaction out of the "things" that need to be done . . . it is not her fondest and greatest intellectual thrill to sit and anticipate the needs of the various entities in your family. No. It is just that (a) she knows that she will be the one who bears the brunt of inconvenience if she does not plan ahead, and (b) she is the one who was blessed with the knowledge that just maybe if you can accomplish the business of living quickly and efficiently that might just leave more time for other things . . . romantic things. Time for romance. (Even though no action on your part has done anything to foster this hope of hers, she goes on hoping, and hoping . . .) Think of your "chores" as the obstacle course of the "Alpha Male." By accomplishing them quickly and happily you may win the right to have your DNA translate into generations to come . . . if you know what I mean. Trust is sexy.
Scott and Tamara can be reached at scott@stillcrane.com. Their book, Re...Romance, A Husband's guide to more than Sinatra and Chocolates, is available at http://www.re-romance.com.
Scott Vernard has a degree in Family Sciences and is a practicing attorney who has counseled and advised over a thousand individuals regarding family problems, and has seen and studied the causes and effects of a deteriorating relationship.
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